My 9-year-old doesn’t think there’s a girl in the world that can beat him up. It makes us laugh that this little guy thinks he’s so strong. About two weeks ago, he was showing me his biceps to prove how strong he is. I felt his muscle and told him I don’t feel anything, its just a little noodle. He smiles, pats me on the stomach, says, ‘Daaahhhd?’… and laughs.
On Sunday afternoon, my wife was having a bite to eat at the kitchen table. I walk into the kitchen to tell her something but before I can get a word out, she glances at me and suggests that maybe I should start exercising… that I’ve gained some weight.
It’s okay if my 9 year old thinks I’m a little over weight, but my wife!? What the heck am I supposed to do now? The truth be told, though, my white dress shirts have gotten tighter since I first bought them.
When I was younger, I could eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and in whatever quantity I wanted. I was significantly more active than now and any unnecessary weight could be burnt off with little to no effort. Now, in my early 40’s, it’s so bad, that I gain weight even when I don’t eat!
After my wife’s comment, I decided it was time to take a look at myself… it was time to stand in front of the full length mirror… with my shirt off. Have any men out there ever attempted such a feat? Canoeing over Niagara Falls is less frightening.
I think the biggest problem we men have with looking at ourselves in a mirror is that when we actually get around to doing it, we tend to hold in our stomachs. It seems we’ve been given a special talent to continue breathing while holding our breath.
I was getting undressed to take a shower Sunday night and I glanced at myself in the bathroom mirrors. I didn’t have enough time to even hold my breath and suck in my stomach… I got to see what I really look like. Thank God I’m already married, lol!
To all men out there, me included, don’t think that our wives don’t care how we look… they do. They may not walk down the street and look at every guy they see like we look at every woman we see, but they care how we look. Women aren’t especially attracted to big beer bellied, dirty, and unkempt husbands. It’s incumbent upon us to think about ourselves physically, worry about how we look, and to physically take care of ourselves as much as possible.
I think it’s important to try and stay attractive to your wife. You want your wife to be comfortable with your look, enjoy looking at you, to desire to cuddle and be romantic with you, to look forward to making love to you. It’s hard to do all of that with someone you think is unattractive.
For me, as much as I don’t want to do it, I think I need to start watching what I eat, get back on the running machine, and start some type of exercise program.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Touchy About Touch
The bad news is that this post isn’t going to be very popular. The good news is that it doesn’t matter… it’s just me expressing an opinion, lol!
I’m going to go out on a ledge and make a claim that almost all of us raised in a western, liberal, open, and modern society have been desensitized from the intimacy of being physically touched. We’re raised in co-ed schools from a young age, we play with children of the opposite sex growing up, we are expected to have girlfriends and boyfriends before we even reach puberty, we shake hands and give hugs to say hello and goodbye to our friends and acquaintances, we have multiple relationships by the time we’re out of high school, most people in the world have lost their virginity before their 18, etc., etc. By the way, I think the average age in America for losing your virginity is something like 15 or 16.
We’re so desensitized to touch, that we don’t have an inkling to what being sensitive to touch even is! Touch hasn’t just lost its meaning, it’s lost its power and lost its value! Once, being touched was an act of relationship, an act of closeness, and an act of intimacy. Today, there are people that will sleep with someone they just met and barely know! The sensitivity of touch isn’t the only thing we’ve banished from our lives… we’ve also banished intimacy itself!
How does the desensitization to physical touch affect our relationship to our husbands and wives? Would being sensitive to touch improve my relationship? How can I ever re-sensitize?
I want to share one quick story from my life. I was seriously involved with someone from my junior year in high school through my first couple years of University. When our relationship ended, it was very painful for me. I learned from this relationship that I wasn’t interested in having casual or directionless dating relationships with women. What I wanted was a serious relationship and I wanted that serious relationship to head towards marriage. In a fit of inspiration, I decided that I wouldn’t sleep with another woman and try not to even touch another woman until I got married! Crazy, huh? Lol! Well, it’s crazier than that… because I didn’t meet my wife until many years later! Those were some difficult years, to say the least!
Why am I telling you this? I’m telling you this because when I finally did touch my wife, and we’re talking about the first time I held her hand, it wasn’t just exciting… it was EROTIC! Lol! These years of not touching women made me super sensitive to touch.
If you’re married it won’t be easy re-sensitizing yourself to touch because you’re hopefully constantly touching your wife. What I would recommend, though, would be to make your touch something special for your wife, which means only your wife. Dedicate your touch to her.
What does this entail? For a husband, like myself, it means not touching other women, including no handshakes and hugging hello and goodbye to friends and acquaintances. If you want to touch someone, touch your wife… be aroused by your wife… and stop enjoying touching other women.
By doing this, touch will come to have greater significance, it will become something of intimacy between you and your wife, it will become a compliment to your wife, and it will make your wife feel more secure in your relationship to you. It may even make you touch your wife more!
I’m sure this idea won’t be very popular, but I can’t see a single negative consequence in regards to your relationship with your wife. Your wife might even admit one day that watching you body hug her best friend made her slightly uncomfortable, to say the least!
I’m going to go out on a ledge and make a claim that almost all of us raised in a western, liberal, open, and modern society have been desensitized from the intimacy of being physically touched. We’re raised in co-ed schools from a young age, we play with children of the opposite sex growing up, we are expected to have girlfriends and boyfriends before we even reach puberty, we shake hands and give hugs to say hello and goodbye to our friends and acquaintances, we have multiple relationships by the time we’re out of high school, most people in the world have lost their virginity before their 18, etc., etc. By the way, I think the average age in America for losing your virginity is something like 15 or 16.
We’re so desensitized to touch, that we don’t have an inkling to what being sensitive to touch even is! Touch hasn’t just lost its meaning, it’s lost its power and lost its value! Once, being touched was an act of relationship, an act of closeness, and an act of intimacy. Today, there are people that will sleep with someone they just met and barely know! The sensitivity of touch isn’t the only thing we’ve banished from our lives… we’ve also banished intimacy itself!
How does the desensitization to physical touch affect our relationship to our husbands and wives? Would being sensitive to touch improve my relationship? How can I ever re-sensitize?
I want to share one quick story from my life. I was seriously involved with someone from my junior year in high school through my first couple years of University. When our relationship ended, it was very painful for me. I learned from this relationship that I wasn’t interested in having casual or directionless dating relationships with women. What I wanted was a serious relationship and I wanted that serious relationship to head towards marriage. In a fit of inspiration, I decided that I wouldn’t sleep with another woman and try not to even touch another woman until I got married! Crazy, huh? Lol! Well, it’s crazier than that… because I didn’t meet my wife until many years later! Those were some difficult years, to say the least!
Why am I telling you this? I’m telling you this because when I finally did touch my wife, and we’re talking about the first time I held her hand, it wasn’t just exciting… it was EROTIC! Lol! These years of not touching women made me super sensitive to touch.
If you’re married it won’t be easy re-sensitizing yourself to touch because you’re hopefully constantly touching your wife. What I would recommend, though, would be to make your touch something special for your wife, which means only your wife. Dedicate your touch to her.
What does this entail? For a husband, like myself, it means not touching other women, including no handshakes and hugging hello and goodbye to friends and acquaintances. If you want to touch someone, touch your wife… be aroused by your wife… and stop enjoying touching other women.
By doing this, touch will come to have greater significance, it will become something of intimacy between you and your wife, it will become a compliment to your wife, and it will make your wife feel more secure in your relationship to you. It may even make you touch your wife more!
I’m sure this idea won’t be very popular, but I can’t see a single negative consequence in regards to your relationship with your wife. Your wife might even admit one day that watching you body hug her best friend made her slightly uncomfortable, to say the least!
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Did I Touch Her?
My wife treats children professionally. I can’t be more specific than that because I don’t want some virtual Sherlock Holmes to pick up a trail, lol!
She had a particularly difficult day at work, came home exhausted, overwhelmed, and half depressed. She’s one of the more senior people at her work and her boss feels comfortable loading up her treatment schedule with the most difficult children. Sometimes her schedule is so jammed-pack, that she doesn’t have time to eat lunch at work and only bites into her sandwich when she gets home late afternoon.
I tried my best to listen and empathize with her while she let loose about her dissatisfaction with her job, boss, etc., but I didn’t feel that she really calmed down all that much from our talk. She was a little impatient with our younger children around their dinner and bed times. After my wife put our younger children to sleep, she went and climbed into bed.
After a little while, I decided to stop everything I was doing and go spend some time with her. When I got to our room, I saw that she was on her back, under the covers, reading in bed. I climbed into the bed and snuggled up next to her. She stopped reading and looked at me. I stared at her book, pretending I was interested in seeing what she was reading. She eventually turned back to read with me lying next to her. A few silent minutes went by.
I put my leg on top of her legs, my arm across her stomach and rested my head on her shoulder. She stopped reading again and looked at me, suspiciously. I looked at her, asked ‘what?’, and looked away. She went back to reading.
I decided to tickle her. She screams, her book falls out of her hands, and she yells at me to stop, explaining for the gazillionth time how much she hates being tickled. Despite her protestations, I noticed a slight smile, the first one today! She lifted up her book and started reading. I held her hand and she held mine. A few silent minutes went by.
Our older daughter came into our room to tell us about her test earlier in the day. I let go of my wife’s hand, we talked to our daughter for a few minutes, and then I got up and went back downstairs to my computer.
About ten minutes later, my wife comes downstairs and stands next to me with her arms crossed. I stop typing, grab her leg, and look up at her. She takes a deep sigh and tells me how pressured she is at work. I massage her leg a little and tell her she needs to get a good night sleep. She asks me when I’m coming to bed. I look up at her and see a mischievous smile.
She had a particularly difficult day at work, came home exhausted, overwhelmed, and half depressed. She’s one of the more senior people at her work and her boss feels comfortable loading up her treatment schedule with the most difficult children. Sometimes her schedule is so jammed-pack, that she doesn’t have time to eat lunch at work and only bites into her sandwich when she gets home late afternoon.
I tried my best to listen and empathize with her while she let loose about her dissatisfaction with her job, boss, etc., but I didn’t feel that she really calmed down all that much from our talk. She was a little impatient with our younger children around their dinner and bed times. After my wife put our younger children to sleep, she went and climbed into bed.
After a little while, I decided to stop everything I was doing and go spend some time with her. When I got to our room, I saw that she was on her back, under the covers, reading in bed. I climbed into the bed and snuggled up next to her. She stopped reading and looked at me. I stared at her book, pretending I was interested in seeing what she was reading. She eventually turned back to read with me lying next to her. A few silent minutes went by.
I put my leg on top of her legs, my arm across her stomach and rested my head on her shoulder. She stopped reading again and looked at me, suspiciously. I looked at her, asked ‘what?’, and looked away. She went back to reading.
I decided to tickle her. She screams, her book falls out of her hands, and she yells at me to stop, explaining for the gazillionth time how much she hates being tickled. Despite her protestations, I noticed a slight smile, the first one today! She lifted up her book and started reading. I held her hand and she held mine. A few silent minutes went by.
Our older daughter came into our room to tell us about her test earlier in the day. I let go of my wife’s hand, we talked to our daughter for a few minutes, and then I got up and went back downstairs to my computer.
About ten minutes later, my wife comes downstairs and stands next to me with her arms crossed. I stop typing, grab her leg, and look up at her. She takes a deep sigh and tells me how pressured she is at work. I massage her leg a little and tell her she needs to get a good night sleep. She asks me when I’m coming to bed. I look up at her and see a mischievous smile.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Touch Me Before You Love Me
What is touch?
In relationship terms, I guess the most obvious definition is to have contact with someone. The problem with that definition, though, is that it restricts touch to the physical world and excludes other more abstract and spiritual ways of touching someone. Perhaps a more comprehensive definition would be to affect someone with some feeling or emotion. With this definition, I can touch my wife by giving her a hug and I can touch my wife by giving her a compliment.
I’m not sure one form of touching is any better than another. Perhaps under one set of circumstances a hug would be more effective than a compliment and in another a compliment more than a hug. It probably depends on the situation, timing, moods, needs, etc. It’s probably instinctual in some respect…
Why did I name the blog letsmaketouch and not letsmakelove?
I think that making love is a natural expression of a positive marital relationship. When people enjoy each other, communicate with each other, listen to each other, laugh with each other, and respect each other, making love is a natural consequence of the relationship. A couple with a good relationship can expect to make love with each other.
On the other hand, when couples are in constant conflict, degrading each other, and not communicating, it’s more difficult to have intimacy, bare your inner self, and make love. I don’t have to read academic studies to tell me that couples fighting make love a lot less than couples not fighting. Making or not making love is a consequence of a positive or negative relationship.
I certainly have nothing negative to say about a happily married couple making love. However, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that there is a limitation in making love that doesn’t exist in making touch.
How does making love tell your wife that you appreciate her? How does it tell her that you respect her? How does it tell her that you enjoy her company, or enjoy listening to her, or that you’re attracted to her?
I agree that the physical act of making love is the ultimate expression of a couple, but there are other needs in people that can only be fulfilled in other ways. Touching your wife, in the broadest sense of the word, has the ability to fulfill her various and diverse needs, to build her esteem and confidence, and to give her the happiness and sense of security she needs to enjoy and respect her married life.
In short, touching is more about the process of building your relationship. So, after we make touch… we can make love.
In relationship terms, I guess the most obvious definition is to have contact with someone. The problem with that definition, though, is that it restricts touch to the physical world and excludes other more abstract and spiritual ways of touching someone. Perhaps a more comprehensive definition would be to affect someone with some feeling or emotion. With this definition, I can touch my wife by giving her a hug and I can touch my wife by giving her a compliment.
I’m not sure one form of touching is any better than another. Perhaps under one set of circumstances a hug would be more effective than a compliment and in another a compliment more than a hug. It probably depends on the situation, timing, moods, needs, etc. It’s probably instinctual in some respect…
Why did I name the blog letsmaketouch and not letsmakelove?
I think that making love is a natural expression of a positive marital relationship. When people enjoy each other, communicate with each other, listen to each other, laugh with each other, and respect each other, making love is a natural consequence of the relationship. A couple with a good relationship can expect to make love with each other.
On the other hand, when couples are in constant conflict, degrading each other, and not communicating, it’s more difficult to have intimacy, bare your inner self, and make love. I don’t have to read academic studies to tell me that couples fighting make love a lot less than couples not fighting. Making or not making love is a consequence of a positive or negative relationship.
I certainly have nothing negative to say about a happily married couple making love. However, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that there is a limitation in making love that doesn’t exist in making touch.
How does making love tell your wife that you appreciate her? How does it tell her that you respect her? How does it tell her that you enjoy her company, or enjoy listening to her, or that you’re attracted to her?
I agree that the physical act of making love is the ultimate expression of a couple, but there are other needs in people that can only be fulfilled in other ways. Touching your wife, in the broadest sense of the word, has the ability to fulfill her various and diverse needs, to build her esteem and confidence, and to give her the happiness and sense of security she needs to enjoy and respect her married life.
In short, touching is more about the process of building your relationship. So, after we make touch… we can make love.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Sshhh! My Wife Doesn't Know!
Why is it that romance is so easy and marriage so hard?
Why can’t couples preserve their pre-marital idealism and prevent it from disintegrating into post-marital conflict?
I’ve been married for 15 years and like all married couples, we’ve had our good times and bad, we’ve had periods of peace and periods of war, we’ve had open communication and closed silence, and we’ve both had a handful of our most cherished life expectations shattered on the rocky shores of the others will.
Why am I still married… and I should say happily married? If you want the truth, I’d say that we just got lucky. We’re not smarter than other couples, we’re not more alike than other couples, and we don’t work on our marriage more than other couples. Basically, we’re not anything more than other couples we know that have been less successful than us in their relationships.
It worries me, though. People change, circumstances change, challenges change, expectations change… really, everything is in flux. It seems that all people and couples can really do is to react and respond appropriately to these changes and continue to build their lives in ways that preserve those things that are most important to them. I think this is one spot where people’s values, both as individuals and couples, come into play.
To make a long story short… why am I writing this blog?
I could sit here, complain about my wife, and make a long list of things she does and doesn’t do that are ruining our relationship and not fulfilling me as a man and husband. I’m sure she could make a similar list about me, though her list would probably be longer, lol! This approach won’t get either of us anywhere, will only lead to conflict, will make us both more me centered and selfish, and does nothing to help nurture and build our relationship together.
I think a better approach would be if I spent my time making a list of things that are important to my wife and figuring out a way to fulfill them. As her husband, it’s a way I can help take care of her, all of her, especially those things most important to her. It would certainly be nice if she did the same for me, but that’s probably something she has to come to on her own. Hopefully, if I took this basic approach to her, over time she would recognize my efforts and respond in kind.
I think some of the basic things important to my wife, and to all women for that matter, are appreciation, communication, respect, attention, and attraction. If I could give her these five things, I’d be way ahead in the marriage game, lol!
I’ve decided, as an exercise in marriage improvement, to blog my endeavors at making sure that my wife feels what she needs to feel in order to be a more satisfied person, to be happily married, and to feel safe and secure in her relationship with me as her husband.
Why can’t couples preserve their pre-marital idealism and prevent it from disintegrating into post-marital conflict?
I’ve been married for 15 years and like all married couples, we’ve had our good times and bad, we’ve had periods of peace and periods of war, we’ve had open communication and closed silence, and we’ve both had a handful of our most cherished life expectations shattered on the rocky shores of the others will.
Why am I still married… and I should say happily married? If you want the truth, I’d say that we just got lucky. We’re not smarter than other couples, we’re not more alike than other couples, and we don’t work on our marriage more than other couples. Basically, we’re not anything more than other couples we know that have been less successful than us in their relationships.
It worries me, though. People change, circumstances change, challenges change, expectations change… really, everything is in flux. It seems that all people and couples can really do is to react and respond appropriately to these changes and continue to build their lives in ways that preserve those things that are most important to them. I think this is one spot where people’s values, both as individuals and couples, come into play.
To make a long story short… why am I writing this blog?
I could sit here, complain about my wife, and make a long list of things she does and doesn’t do that are ruining our relationship and not fulfilling me as a man and husband. I’m sure she could make a similar list about me, though her list would probably be longer, lol! This approach won’t get either of us anywhere, will only lead to conflict, will make us both more me centered and selfish, and does nothing to help nurture and build our relationship together.
I think a better approach would be if I spent my time making a list of things that are important to my wife and figuring out a way to fulfill them. As her husband, it’s a way I can help take care of her, all of her, especially those things most important to her. It would certainly be nice if she did the same for me, but that’s probably something she has to come to on her own. Hopefully, if I took this basic approach to her, over time she would recognize my efforts and respond in kind.
I think some of the basic things important to my wife, and to all women for that matter, are appreciation, communication, respect, attention, and attraction. If I could give her these five things, I’d be way ahead in the marriage game, lol!
I’ve decided, as an exercise in marriage improvement, to blog my endeavors at making sure that my wife feels what she needs to feel in order to be a more satisfied person, to be happily married, and to feel safe and secure in her relationship with me as her husband.
Monday, May 3, 2010
I SURRENDER! Now give me a hug!
A friend of mine is married with four children. Over the past year or so, I've listened to him complain extensively about his wife. I finally decided to ask him a few personal questions about their relationship.
It turns out that they’re in constant conflict. She feels judged and unappreciated by him… and he feels disrespected and ignored by her. I bet they can’t wait to get into bed together!
What are they supposed to do? I guess they have two choices other than divorce. Either they both surrender at the same time, put their guns down, start communicating differently, and work on building their relationship… or one of them surrenders unconditionally, puts his or her gun down, and hopes that that his or her partner decides to eventually stop shooting as well.
Why are marriages so hard? Two people meet each other, talk and get to know each other, spend time and listen to each other, smile and look at each other in the eyes, share and expose their inner beings with each other, and eventually commit to spend their lives together. It’s beautiful! These same two people get married, make continuous love with each other, and have children together… the ultimate expressions of intimacy, commitment, respect, and love.
Then I guess all hell breaks lose…
It scares me how so many marriages fall apart, how many children are affected, how many disappointment there are, how many dreams are shattered, and how many people have to start over to rebuild their lives.
How can married people preserve the romance, excitement, and commitment they had for each other just moments before they got married?
In my friend's particular situation, I really think he should be the one to unconditionally surrender, give his wife a long hug, and give her the undeniable feeling that he actually loves her. Then, I think they could start communicating...
It turns out that they’re in constant conflict. She feels judged and unappreciated by him… and he feels disrespected and ignored by her. I bet they can’t wait to get into bed together!
What are they supposed to do? I guess they have two choices other than divorce. Either they both surrender at the same time, put their guns down, start communicating differently, and work on building their relationship… or one of them surrenders unconditionally, puts his or her gun down, and hopes that that his or her partner decides to eventually stop shooting as well.
Why are marriages so hard? Two people meet each other, talk and get to know each other, spend time and listen to each other, smile and look at each other in the eyes, share and expose their inner beings with each other, and eventually commit to spend their lives together. It’s beautiful! These same two people get married, make continuous love with each other, and have children together… the ultimate expressions of intimacy, commitment, respect, and love.
Then I guess all hell breaks lose…
It scares me how so many marriages fall apart, how many children are affected, how many disappointment there are, how many dreams are shattered, and how many people have to start over to rebuild their lives.
How can married people preserve the romance, excitement, and commitment they had for each other just moments before they got married?
In my friend's particular situation, I really think he should be the one to unconditionally surrender, give his wife a long hug, and give her the undeniable feeling that he actually loves her. Then, I think they could start communicating...
Sunday, May 2, 2010
A Hug For Humanity
A friend of my wife just called to tell her that her husband just moved out of the house and they’re planning on getting a divorce. My wife was shocked! She’s known this woman for quite some time but never heard her complain about any marital problems.
Externally, to family and friends, they’ve been pretending that everything in their family life is normal. However, for the last two and a half years, this couple hasn’t slept together, or slept in the same room, for that matter!
This situation was so emotionally harrowing for my wife’s friend that at some point in the middle of this nightmare, she finally broke down and told her husband that he doesn’t have to sleep with her but asked him if he could at least give her a hug when he comes home from work and say hello to her.
She could accept no communication, no friendship, no sharing, no encouragement, no romance, no appreciation, no respect, no closeness, no sensitivity, and no attention… but she needed a simple hug and hello to go on… she needed her humanity.
How does the anticipation and promise of marriage disintegrate into something so dysfunctional? How can a simple hug and hello be enough nourishment for a starving woman?
Externally, to family and friends, they’ve been pretending that everything in their family life is normal. However, for the last two and a half years, this couple hasn’t slept together, or slept in the same room, for that matter!
This situation was so emotionally harrowing for my wife’s friend that at some point in the middle of this nightmare, she finally broke down and told her husband that he doesn’t have to sleep with her but asked him if he could at least give her a hug when he comes home from work and say hello to her.
She could accept no communication, no friendship, no sharing, no encouragement, no romance, no appreciation, no respect, no closeness, no sensitivity, and no attention… but she needed a simple hug and hello to go on… she needed her humanity.
How does the anticipation and promise of marriage disintegrate into something so dysfunctional? How can a simple hug and hello be enough nourishment for a starving woman?
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